Welcome home

I stand outside my home. Well, we never owned it. It is just a railway quarter. But till this day, whenever I think of home, this is what comes to my mind. I grew up here. I know it’s every nook, every corner. It is hard to believe I left it thirty years back when I left this quaint little town in Bihar to move to Delhi. Someone else lives here now. Someone who has been allotted the quarter. They must be the second or third occupants after we left. 

Should I knock? Or should I? What if the people inside think of me as a thug, an imposter, or mad. No, it’s not such a good idea. I retract and leave.

I walk the roads I used to as a kid, with parents, with friends. I go to the temple I used to go often as a kid. It all feels so yesterday, stuck in time. I also see the old priest sitting in one corner. Very old and frail now. Not able to perform the pujas. His son is performing the temple duties. We chat a little. They remember me and ask about my whereabouts. We talk about old acquaintances and old days. After offering my prayers, I leave.

I go to the market. It has really grown. More shops have come up. I can also see some old shops. The sweet shop. The barber shop I used to go is still there. The tailer who used to stich my and my father’s clothes is still there. I introduce myself and he remembers. We get chatting. He orders tea from nearby. His laugh is still boisterous. He is genuinely happy to see me. He also chides me for not getting married, as if he is some relative of mine.

Later, in my hotel room, lying on my back, I again go back to my quarter. I should have knocked. I must go there again. If they let me in, I will be able to see it again, otherwise I will come back. I keep thinking about it and go to sleep.

Next morning, after a quick breakfast, I go there again. The road is lined with bambox, or Shimul trees, on one side, and same looking row houses on the other. The red Shimul flowers are scattered around.

I knock and imagine my past opening the door. A cute little girl opens it instead. She looks like an angel.

“Who is it, beta”, a female voice calls out after her. Her mother. Is that Vinnie? Yes, I can never forget her.

“Vinnie!!! You… What… how…”, I stutter, completely at a loss for words.

Vinnie was in my class. I was in love with her ever since I remember. She made my heart flutter. The sight of her made cool breeze blow and melodious music play. Just the thought of her was enough to cheer me up. I never expressed my feelings to her, but I think she always knew. I was heartbroken when she left the town after class 10^th. She doesn’t look much different from her blue skirt, white shirt days.

I came looking for a house that has always been home to me and meet Vinnie. Is it serendipity? Some hidden message from God? I am dumbfounded,

She is equally surprised. “Lokesh? What a surprise. Come.”

“Well, this is the house I grew up in. I can’t believe that you live here.  I think about it all the time. I wanted to see it one more time. Never imagined I would see you again, after so many years. Since when are you living here.”

Ah! That feeling of being back home washes over me. I look around. Though the walls and floors and the ceiling look the same, it is different. Very different to what we had. It is done up neatly. As if all dressed up to welcome an old friend. I go to the courtyard uninvited, making Vinnie a little uncomfortable. The guava tree is no more there, but the place looks the same. I look around. I am back in the 80s.

“Come, let’s sit. I will make us some tea.” She goes to the kitchen. Little Payal sits with me. She is full of questions. When did I live here? Who all were there with me?

Vinnie joins me with the tea. “So your husband is in the railways?”, I ask.

“He used to be. Now I am in the railways. He is no more. They gave me a job on compensatory ground”, She says with a tinge of sadness.

“Oh! So sorry”, I really felt for her.

“I was transferred here and got this quarter. I quite like it here. Where do you live now?“

“Mostly in the past”, I ruminate. Sorry, I am in Delhi. Alone and lonely. I always think of this town.”

Payal who is listening to our conversation, says, “So, why don’t you come back. You can live with us. This is your house too.”

I and Vinnie look at each other awkwardly. I ruffle her hair, “She is so innocent.”

“She is never like this with people. Don’t know what has gotten over her”, says Vinnie, pulling Payal to her lap.

“A child’s intuition” I think. “Payal beta, I have a job in Delhi. I have to go back.”

Payal, not giving up, says, “You can work here. Like mumma.”

“Hmmm”. I pat her cheeks.

I and Vinnie talk about our school days, our classmates, her life in Banaras, after class 10^th. After Payal slipped off to play with her toys, she readily tells me about her marriage, Payal’s birth and her husband’s accident. Her eyes well up while doing so, but she quickly gathers herself. I also tell her about my boring life.

I am so engrossed in our conversation; I forget I am in the house that never left me. I get up and go around. The big kitchen where I used to sit and eat sometimes, my mother serving me hot rotis. I look out of the windows as I used to do as a kid, hoping to see my friends outside. If they were, I used to immediately run out.

Vinnie is amused to see my attachment to the house; her house now. She asks me to have dinner with her, which I gladly accept. Payal has gone off to sleep. We talk a lot over dinner. The conversation is easy, like old friends catching up. I am distracted by her looks and she catches it, blushing. She looks regal in her light yellow churidaar.

I visit her everyday for the next 4 days. Payal has really taken to me. She doesn’t let me go until she is asleep and can’t hold me back anymore. Vinnie is happy and amused to see us like this. Sometimes she seems a little lost, perhaps a little introspective behind her smile.

“I wish life could always be like this…”, she says once. Then immediately looking at Payal, she adds, “…for her.”

“It can be”, I say, and she looks at me searchingly. “Only if you are willing.”

“I am, but how?”, she says looking into my eyes.

I go close to her and hold her hands. “You could get a transfer and join me in the city. Or I find something to do here, which I would really love, but looks unpractical. We will have to see, and plan.”

When it’s time to leave, everyone is sad. Vinnie and Payal come to see me off at the station where my favourite people have bid goodbyes to me many times in the past. This time I am not sure if I am leaving behind my past again, or is it my future. Time will tell.

The train whistles.

“I will call you”, I assure her. She shakes her head and smiles. A sad smile.

The train starts moving. We wave at each other till we can.

It is one of the longest journeys I have taken out of that town. My mind is overactive with plans and dreams. I have to make this happen as quickly as possible. It is amazing how the place I grew up in, which has given me my life, my best friends and lifelong memories is about to give me more. A life filled with love, family and laughter. Things I seem to have lost.

I take out my mobile phone and dial Vinnie.